Shy About The Past
One of the heaviest burdens you carry in addiction recovery is the memory of your past behaviors. The lies told, promises broken, and people hurt can create a flood of embarrassment and shame that feels overwhelming. These feelings, while incredibly common, can be a significant obstacle to your progress if left unaddressed. Learning to navigate embarrassment is a crucial part of healing and building a solid foundation for long term sobriety. With expert insights and actionable strategies, you can learn to process these difficult emotions, practice self compassion, and understand that your past does not have to define your future.
Why Embarrassment Is a Universal Recovery Experience
Embarrassment and shame are natural emotional responses to actions that go against our personal values. In active addiction, substance use often hijacks the brain’s decision making processes, leading people to act in ways they never would when sober. When the fog of addiction begins to lift, the full weight of those past actions can come crashing down.
Dr. Sarah Arkwell, a clinical psychologist specializing in addiction, explains this phenomenon. "During active addiction, the primary focus is on obtaining and using the substance. Moral and social considerations are pushed to the background. In recovery, as cognitive function returns, there is a painful reckoning with the discrepancy between who you were and who you want to be. This gap is where shame and embarrassment live."
These feelings are not just common; they are nearly universal. A study in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that higher levels of shame were strongly correlated with more severe alcohol dependence. This indicates that the more an individual's life is impacted by addiction, the more intense their feelings of embarrassment are likely to be in recovery.
The Impact of Embarrassment on Your Sobriety
While a normal part of the process, lingering embarrassment can be detrimental to your recovery if it turns into toxic shame. Embarrassment says, "I did a bad thing," while shame says, "I am bad." This distinction is critical. Unresolved shame can become a powerful trigger for relapse.
Here's how it can negatively impact your journey:
Isolation: Feeling embarrassed can make you want to hide from others, preventing you from seeking the connection and support you need.
Perfectionism: You might feel you have to be the "perfect" person in recovery to make up for your past, which sets an impossible standard and leads to burnout.
Relapse: Shame is a painful emotion. For someone whose primary coping mechanism was to numb pain with substances, it can create a powerful urge to use again just to escape the feeling.
A Real-Life Story: Moving Past the Past
When Lisa got sober, she was haunted by memories of her behavior during her addiction. "I had alienated my family, lost jobs, and lied to everyone I loved," she says. "I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without cringing. The embarrassment was so intense that I thought I deserved to feel miserable forever."
In a group therapy session, she heard an older woman with 20 years of sobriety share a story from her past that was remarkably similar to Lisa’s own. "She wasn't ashamed," Lisa recalls. "She spoke about it as a part of her story that she learned from. It was a revelation. She saw her past as a chapter, not the whole book." Inspired, Lisa started working with her therapist on self forgiveness. It was a slow process, but she learned to see her past behaviors as symptoms of her illness, not as a reflection of her true character.
Actionable Steps for Dealing with Embarrassment
Moving through embarrassment requires active work. It doesn't disappear on its own. Here are some practical, expert recommended strategies to help you process these feelings and move forward.
1. Separate the Person from the Behavior
This is the crucial first step. You must learn to separate your inherent worth as a person from the actions you took while in active addiction. Addiction is a recognized medical disease that impairs judgment.
Dr. Arkwell suggests a simple reframing exercise. "Think of your past self as someone who was unwell. You wouldn't be embarrassed by someone for the symptoms of their diabetes or heart disease. While you are responsible for making amends, you can have compassion for the person who was sick."
2. Practice Radical Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on the topic, identifies three components of self-compassion:
Self-Kindness: Be gentle and understanding with yourself rather than critical.
Common Humanity: Recognize that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience. You are not alone in your feelings.
Mindfulness: Observe your painful feelings without suppressing or exaggerating them. Acknowledge that the feeling is present, but know that it is not the entirety of who you are.
3. Share Your Story in a Safe Space
Shame thrives in silence. When you share your story with a trusted person or group and are met with empathy, the shame begins to lose its power. This could be in a therapy session, a 12 step meeting, or with a trusted sponsor. Voicing your experiences helps you realize how common they are, which directly combats the isolating nature of embarrassment.
4. Focus on "Living Amends"
Making amends for past wrongs is a key part of many recovery programs. While direct apologies are important, the most powerful amend is changed behavior. You rebuild trust with others and with yourself by consistently showing up as a reliable, honest, and kind person.
Every day you stay sober, every time you act with integrity, you are actively making a "living amend." Focus your energy on the person you are becoming, not the person you used to be. Your actions today are what define you now.
5. Seek Professional Help
Working with a therapist or counselor can be incredibly beneficial. A professional can help you unpack the root of your shame and provide you with tools like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to challenge and reframe negative thought patterns. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your past and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Your Past Does Not Define Your Future
Dealing with embarrassment in recovery is not about erasing your past. It's about integrating it into your story in a healthy way. Your past experiences, as painful as they may be, can become your greatest teachers. They can fuel your empathy for others and deepen your gratitude for your new life.
Recovery is a journey of progress, not perfection. You are not the same person you were in active addiction. Allow yourself the grace to grow and the forgiveness to heal. Every day in recovery is a testament to your strength and your commitment to a better future, a future that is not defined by the shadows of yesterday.
Edited by: Rohun Sendhey, LSW
