Seeking a Sponsor

Finding a sponsor can be one of the most influential decisions you make in recovery. Sponsors provide guidance, accountability, and lived experience that help you navigate cravings, setbacks, and life’s everyday stressors without substances. While sponsorship is most closely associated with 12-step programs, the mentor model appears across peer-led recovery communities, and the core qualities of a good sponsor are remarkably consistent: trustworthiness, experience, compatibility, and clear boundaries.

“Recovery thrives on connection,” says Dr. Lila Bennett, an addiction psychiatrist who collaborates with mutual help groups. “A skilled sponsor doesn’t replace therapy or medical care; they complement it with a level of accessibility and relevance that only lived experience can provide.”

Why Sponsors Matter

• Social support is a strong predictor of sustained sobriety. Research on mutual-help participation consistently finds that people who engage in peer support, including 12-step sponsorship, have higher rates of abstinence and longer time to relapse compared with those who recover without it.

• A large study of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) participation found that early and frequent meeting attendance, along with establishing a sponsor relationship, predicted better outcomes at 12 months.

• Mechanisms include increased self-efficacy, practical coping skills, and expanded sober networks—factors repeatedly linked with improved recovery stability.

“People borrow hope and skills from their sponsors until they have enough of their own,” notes Serena Ortiz, LCSW, a clinician who runs community recovery groups.

Core Qualities of a Good Sponsor

Reliable sobriety and program engagement

• Look for someone with stable, continuous recovery and active participation in their program. Many groups suggest a year or more of sobriety, but maturity and stability matter more than time alone.

Trustworthiness and confidentiality

• A sponsor should keep your disclosures private and follow group norms about anonymity. Reliability builds safety.

Lived experience with your challenges

• Alignment helps: similar substance history, co-occurring issues, or life stage (e.g., parenting, work travel). You don’t need a twin, just someone who “gets it.”

Boundaries and availability

• A good sponsor is accessible but not enmeshed. They’ll clarify when and how to reach them, what they can and can’t offer, and encourage you to build broader support.

Accountability with compassion

• Expect honesty delivered respectfully. Sponsors should challenge rationalizations, celebrate wins, and avoid shaming.

Values alignment and respect for your recovery plan

• Whether you use medication for opioid use disorder, attend therapy, or prefer certain meeting formats, a sponsor should respect evidence-based care and your autonomy.

Stability beyond meetings

• Consistency in work, family, or community roles often reflects the practical skills you’re aiming to build.

How to Build Trust With a Sponsor

Trust is a process, not a promise. Use these steps to assess fit and grow confidence:

• Start with small disclosures

• Share limited, non-sensitive details first. Notice how they respond; do they listen, ask thoughtful questions, and keep confidences?

• Set expectations early

• Clarify preferred contact methods, crisis protocols, step work pace, and meeting routines. Written notes can help.

• Look for congruence

• Do their actions match their words? Are they on time, prepared, and consistent in their own recovery practices?

• Practice reciprocal respect

• Be honest, show up as agreed, and own your slips. Reliability builds mutual trust.

• Reevaluate fit openly

• If something feels off, say so. Many programs normalize changing sponsors to find a better match.

“Trust is built in follow through,” says Bennett. “If a sponsor says ‘call me if you’re struggling’ and then answers, and you call when you said you would, confidence grows on both sides.”

Boundaries, Mutual Respect, and Shared Values

Healthy sponsor-sponsee relationships are structured to protect both people and the integrity of the program.

• Clear roles: Sponsors share experience, strength, and hope; not legal advice, therapy, or financial support.

• Time and space: Texting at 2 a.m. may be appropriate in crisis, but otherwise follow agreed hours.

• No dual relationships that create pressure: Avoid financial entanglements, workplace supervision, or romantic involvement.

• Respect for medication and medical care: Evidence-based treatments, including MAT, should not be discouraged.

• Autonomy: Good sponsors guide; they don’t control. They offer suggestions, not ultimatums.

Real Experiences

• “My first sponsor and I didn’t click,” says Jordan, 34. “He pushed a pace I wasn’t ready for. My second sponsor set weekly calls, gave me worksheets for triggers, and celebrated small wins. Six months later, I had fewer cravings and a plan for hard days.”

• Tasha, 43, a parent in recovery, chose a sponsor who balanced empathy with boundaries. “She never missed our Sunday check-in. When I relapsed, she didn’t shame me, she asked what we could learn and set a new safety plan. That kept me coming back.”

• Mateo, 28, in recovery with MAT, switched after a sponsor questioned his medication. “Finding a MAT-friendly sponsor changed everything; I felt respected, and my confidence grew.”

Data Points

• Peer mentorship boosts outcomes by increasing meeting attendance, enhancing coping skills, and expanding sober social networks; mechanisms tied to lower relapse rates.

• Early engagement matters: People who secure a sponsor within the first month of meetings tend to report higher self-efficacy and program retention at 6–12 months.

• Diversity of supports helps: Combining sponsorship with therapy, medication (when indicated), and skills-based groups strengthens recovery.

How to Approach a Sponsor

Observe before you ask

• Attend several meetings, listen to shares, and note who demonstrates humility, consistency, and practical solutions.

Check availability and boundaries

• Ask about their schedule, preferred contact times, and expectations for check-ins, step work, and meeting attendance.

Ask targeted questions

• “How do you handle slips?” “What’s your view on MAT/therapy?” “How often do you expect to connect?” “How do you address confidentiality?”

Start with a trial period

• Propose 30 days to test fit. Reassess together; what’s working and what needs adjusting.

Build a support triangle

• Add a backup contact and a small group of peers. No one person should carry all support.

Prepare your side of the agreement

• Commit to honesty, punctuality, and doing suggested work (journaling, readings, meeting routines).

Keep it simple when you ask

• “I’ve heard your shares and relate to your approach. Would you be willing to sponsor me for the next month while we see if it’s a good fit?”

Know when to pivot

• If you feel minimized, shamed, or pressured to abandon evidence-based care, thank them and find someone else.

Red Flags to Avoid

• Gossip or breaches of confidentiality

• Discouraging medical treatment or MAT

• Financial entanglements or requests for favors

• Rigid, shaming communication or “my way or the highway” approaches

• Unreliability (missed calls, inconsistent guidance)

Stay Open

The right sponsor won’t do recovery for you, but they’ll stand with you, steady the path when it’s rough, and point you toward the next right step. With clear boundaries, shared values, and growing trust, sponsorship becomes a catalyst for lasting change.

“Good sponsors aren’t heroes,” Ortiz says. “They’re guides who’ve walked the road and know where the potholes are. That guidance can be transformative.”

Edited by: Rohun Sendhey, MSW